I'm not loving you

the way I wanted to

What I had to do

had to run from you

I'm in love with you

But the vibe is wrong

And that haunted me

all the way home

So you never know

Never, never know

Never know enough

'Til it's over love

'Til we lose control

System overload

Screamin No No No No No

I'm not loving you

Way I wanted to

See I want to move

But can't escape from you

So I keep it low

Keep a secret code

So everybody else don't have to know

So keep your love lockdown

You lose

I'm not loving you

Way I wanted to

I can't keep my cool

So I keep it true

I got something to lose

So I gotta move

I can't keep myself

And still keep you too

So I keep in mind

When I'm on my own

Somewhere far from home

In the danger zone

How many times did I tell you

'fore it finally got through

You lose, you lose

I'm not loving you

Way I wanted to

See I had to go

See I had to move

No more wastin' time

You can't wait for life

We're just racin' time

Where's the finish line?

I'm not loving you

Way I wanted to

I've bet no one knew

I got no one new

No I said I'm through

But got love for you

But I'm not loving you

Way I wanted to

Gotta keep it going

Keep the loving going

Keep it on a role

Only God knows

If I'll be with you

Baby I'm confused

You choose, you choose

I'm not loving you

Way I wanted to

Where I want to go

I don't need you

I've been down this road

Too many times before

I'm not loving you

Way I wanted to

You lose.

It is hard to compromise with someone when you both wants to be right at the same time. It takes courage to admit that you're sorry, and it even take greater courage to actually give in and please.

Finding the perfect person is impossible, but together you can always create a perfect relationship. Brush off your worries and doubts. The world is our playground. I just want to swing with you, to stroll along the beach with you, to catch the butterflies in the fields with you, to swim in the sea with you.

And only you.

Love. Something that I can't give exact definition to. All that it does to me is give me that feeling. Hard to describe it but it feels like lying on the grass gazing up the skies. It feels like dancing in the rain. It sounded like the birds singing on the withered cold tree outside of your bedroom window on one fine day in winter.

It doesn't stop there. Love sometimes feels like cuts on your fingers. Or the pain in your stomach when you saw someone was killed brutally. It makes you sick up to your throat. 

Love. Is it actually real? Or is it just another comfort zone for us? Or perhaps, it's just another clear cold pond. It may keep you moistened but it can also numb you.

I doubt that you feel this too. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it is only me. The one with the broken heart and broken shield. Not even able to protect myself.

As this warm feelings inside me getting stronger, my faith for this connection is slowly dying. They contradicts with each other.

And I don't think I'm strong enough to witness how far this can go or how long will this take. But I don't think I can stop either.

I don't know what I'm doing or what's the reason for this. But it doesn't matter to me. 'Cause I'm just looking outside of my window and try to see beyond the visible view.

I am not going anywhere obviously. But that doesn't mean I'm not heading somewhere. I've told you that you can always get a hold of me. But now you  can't reach me not because I'm not infront of you, but simply because you didn't look harder. So you missed me.

What is it that you want from me? My time? My companionship? Or just another name in your list?

I needed you. But....... 

It seemed like all the jouney I made are only taken either as a path to my final destination or as breaks of routes before I get back on to life. Those tiny life experiences are meaningless without someone to share and cherish with.

I wish you can see the world the way I see it. And be on my side as I travel through my destiny.

I never thought I would feel this lonely around them. I didn't know what outshined me but I now realised that they couldn't be bothered. 

I existed in their lives but it doesn't matter anymore whether I'm still around or if I dissappear.

Alone. A term that I'm adapting to settle with.