Remember when I mentioned about my Doctor that one time? About how he "fixed" me? Well, he " sort of " did in a way. But as time passed by, I come to realised that all he did was made me feel better. And now I understand how that mystery works. Anyone could have been that doctor, but ofcourse I didn't mean anyone can get the professional qualification but anyone could be my doctor at that time.

All it takes is for me to feel some sort of physical pain, and then someone takes it away from me, gently, nicely, with loving and thorough care.

To not feel the heartache inside, I needed to feel a suffering that is either visible or touchable. And to feel better about it, is when that visible wound/scar/injury/etc is healed. Then everything will be okay for as long as my mind is set that way, until something happened that could remind me of that bitterness inside. Then, i'll be needing another form of physical discomfort just so I can focus on that instead. Vicious cycle this is, I tell you.

But, what's the point of this whole idiotic idea? Well, I think I'm going to make myself an appointment to "feel better" again. Also, I think people like me, especially me, tend to mistaken this kindness effect of someone taking away the pain, for.. I don't know.. other kind of perception, like infatuation or something-almost-the-L-word, when the fact, it is only the feeling of between indebted and grateful.

So, thank you kind Doctor whom had poked me with needles so many times, cut me open, 'fixed' my faulty, and sewed me together again. Thank you for being so kind.

Your most behaved almost-robot-but-still-human patient,

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
Never let it fade away
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
Save it for a rainy day


For love may come and tap you on the shoulder
Some star-less night
Just in case you feel you wanna hold her
You'll have a pocketful of starlight


For when your troubles startin' multiplying
And they just might
It's easy to forget them without trying
With just a pocketful of starlight


Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
Never let it fade away
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
Save it for a rainy day

I need to restrain myself from saying it, from doing it, from thinking about it. It's going to take toll on me much more. But that's better than hurting anyone else, right?

I am not mad at you, but shouldn't have said anything. Thanks for being honest though certain truth does hurt.

As long as I don't want to change, then He won't help me change. (13:11) So please dear god, help me find the strengh to change. Help me to find the will to go on.

Gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha!
गते गते पारगते पारसंगते बोधि स्वाहा

Yes? No? I don't know. Feels like things are going so fast that I can't even hold them down. Wonder what's the big guy had planned for me. I tried to think thoroughly again but it just seemed so exhausting. With what's been going on, I feel so restless.

Give me signs, fill my heart with confidence. Do I go left, or right?