Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

"For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."

- unknown author

A song. That one song. The song that will never let us go, nor will it ever leave us behind. We'll always have that one song to bind us in this heart-wrenching moment. That one song that makes us happy and sad altogether. Its tune are written from our memories. The words are what's never been said by our tongues. That one song makes your image seem so vivid I could almost sing it to you. That song is our song..

"Don’t wish me happiness. I don’t expect to be happy all the time… It’s gotten beyond that somehow. Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor. I will need them all."

— Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I have a secret life and I hate the fact that I can't talk about it to anyone. I miss having the only person who knows me so well around. Where are you when I need you? :'(

Am I really that hard to be understood?

I am genuinely happy. I do. It's just that, I sometimes want things that I can't have. Maybe not right now.

One of my most important rules: "treat people how you want to be treated; don't do things to anyone if u don't want it to be done to you".

Almost like karma, but I don't believe in that.

I'm trying not to pretend,
It won't happen again and again like that.
I never thought it would end,
'cause you got up in my head, in my head like that.
And made me happy, baby, love is crazy,
So amazing, but it's changing, rearranging,
I don't think I can take anymore

I didn't want it this way,
I only wanted to say I loved you right.
But now you're walking away,
And leaving me here to stay,
So foolish of me to wait for you to realize
All the things I gave you, made you,
Changed you, your dreams came true
When I met you, now forget you,
Don't want anymore

You shot the bullet, you shot the bullet that killed me,
Not feeling my heart beat, and now it's dying.
I am through it, I-I am through the agony,
Now my eyes are drying, drying,
No more crying,
Lying's just a game.
So disaster strikes,
And I'm alright
'cause my love's on its way... yeah
Burning up forever and always... yeah

'Cause the walls burned up, and our love fell down,
And it turned into whatever, now we're saying never.
Feel the fire 'cause it's all around,
And it's burning for forever and always.
You gotta let it go the other way
At least for another day,
'Cause it ain't the same, my baby.
Watch it all falling to the ground.
No happy ever after ‒ just disaster, just disaster
Burning for forever and always, yeah.

When two people care for each other, they will always look for a way to make it work.

I have been thinking these past few nights, i think im done after this one. I gotta wake up and start living to the last bit.

Someone who really loves you sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, how hard u are to handle, but still wants u in their life.

I hate not talking to the one person I feel most comfortable with. Just saying.

You don't want me, no
You don't need me
Like I want you, oh
Like I need you

You can't see me, no
Like I see you
I can't have you, no
Like you have me

You can't feel me, no
Like I feel you
I can't steal you, no
Like you stole me

And I want you in my life
And I need you in my life

I think I want to get married. I want a marriage, plus a wedding.
Okay. Thanks. Bye

"If she's amazing, she wont be easy. If she's easy, she wont be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy"

So close yet so far..

Sending me to the doctor won't fix everything.

I want to move on. I think I am. Please let me be. Let's together make it happen. To separate ways. Cheers.

I am happy today. Thank you for these smiles on my face and heart.

I can never be truly honest (by honest, I mean completely open) about anything cause there's no such thing as 'private' on the internet. Sometimes I wish someone would just read my mind and feel what I feel. That'll be a true intrusion on privacy, but let's add on and off switch whether to allow or not such thing. My point is, sometimes I want these things to be read or understood by someone, most of the time I just want to be alone.

Okay. Thanks. Bye

Someone asked a wise man: "what’s the meaning of "Woman"?

He replied:

“She is like a surface of glass, transparent that you can see inside. The more you wipe it gently, the more it will shine, and you can see your reflection on it, as if the woman is preserving your image inside of her shyly. If you break it one day, it will be so hard for you to collect its shattered pieces again. If you did collect them to stick them, it won’t be back to the way it was. It will always be disfigured. Every time you pass your hand on the fracture zones ( "scars" ) you will hurt your hand."

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

And now i'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
Oh, yeah i'm never really ready
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there

want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world.. 

like i'm the only one that you'll ever love
like i'm the only one who knows your heart
only girl in the world...

This is exactly why I don't like to socialise or let anyone come near me.

They say a picture worth thousand words. I have seen those pictures, and I know your story. It's not a fairy-tale ending and I feel your pain. But hang in there, start over cause it's not the end. It was just an intermission.

This one's for you and me, living out our dreams. We're all right where we should be, with my arms out wide, I open my eyes, and now all I wanna see.. is a sky full of lighters. A sky full of lighters.

you make me want to cut myself again.

A person, especially a lady shouldn't be using foul language. And they say you shouldn't say something horrible (or anything at all) when you're angry 'cause you sure will regret it later.

But I've had enough. I seriously effing HATE you, you egoistic selfish idiot! Get out of my life! Get out of my head!

Can you stay the night?
I'm having trouble sleeping
I'm struggling to find a way
To make it through the day
Can you save a life?
I think I lost that feeling
I'm reaching for a dream
That seems to be slipping away
I'm like the sun that just won't shine ..

Can you protect me?
I need your words now
My head is filled with doubt,
tell me it'll be alright
Can you protect me?
My hearts' on lockdown
It's a lonely road and I'm too drunk to drive
Can you protect me? ..

I'm carrying the world, on my expectations
I'm trying to be everything and now Im left in pieces
Wash away the hurt, give me inspiration
Open up a window to a view of something beautiful


Oh, tell me I'm not crazy
Tell me that I'm beautiful
Tell me that you'll carry me home when I fall

So, you should stay the night with me

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing gets better


I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.


Let it burn
Let it burn
Let it burn

i miss you so bad...

I haven't really ever found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't lean to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live my life more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent...

No one ever gets tired of loving, but everyone gets tired of waiting, assuming, hearing lies, saying sorry, and hurting.

i..

I want let everything out, want to talk to the person who knows me like a book. Problem is, I already feel transparent as it is and I can't seem to find the courage to be open about it anymore.

Even though you think I'm so heartless and cold, behind this mask, and under this skin, I miss you

Can't you see how much I'm suffering with all these? I don't deserve this. Why did you let this happen?

Right now, the whole world is against me doing the very right thing, but no one bothers to share the pain or consequences of doing the wrong thing.

Physical pains. w00t!

I wondering if 'that pink' suits my skin tone :)

Everyone has suffered enough. If all is determined to win, nobody will get what they want. So let me just back off from the thing that I hold on to the most, let me take the big step and swallow the bullet so everyone can finally be back to the days where everything is normal or at least not as much as "we feel the pain but nobody said a single word". Let me set you free.

It's done.

For the past few days, I feel like shouting or at least tell someone what's been lingering in my head. Need to keep this secret, but It's too overwhelming. Sometimes, I blurted the first word on purpose but can never finish the sentence.

It's been the longest winter without you,
I didn't know where to turn to.
See, somehow I can't forget you,
After all that we've been through.

Going, coming... thought I heard a knock
Who's there? No one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know,

If you didn't notice, boy, you mean everything.
Quickly I'm learning to love again,
All I know is I'm gon' be okay



Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, ooh yeah
And even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time



I couldn't turn on the TV,
Without something there that would remind me
It wasn't all that easy
To just put aside your feelings.

If I'm dreaming, don't wanna lie,
Hurt my feelings
But that's the path
I believe in,
And I know that time will heal it

If you didn't notice, well
You mean everything.
Quickly I'm learning to love again,
All I know is I'm gon' be okay

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be.
No matter how hard it is,
I'll be fine without you, Yes I will.

It was such a peaceful dream. Everything seemed okay even though you're dying but you get to spend a wonderful time with your beloved. It's like you are ready, free from all the pains and nothing else matters.

Nobody knows the pain I'm carrying. Everything hurts so much I couldn't even begin to share even the slightest tiny bit of it with anyone. The greatest pain to feel isn't having your body failing you with the daily routines, or when your body suffering the wounds or when your head feels like it's going to explode.

My heart can only take so much. Please dear God, free me from this pain. Give me at least a little peace in my heart to be strong, to get through all this madness. Please help me wash away this loneliness, pull me back up and make all these tears stop. Please... please... I can only take so much, but not anymore...

How can you explain the attraction between magnets? In theory, it has north and south poles on each end. Their magnetic fields attract each other but the poles can never be together right? So what can we learn from this?

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

How can you love someone who's no longer part of you nor your life?

Gahhhh! It is so pressuring when everyone seemed to have high expectations on me. I'm just human okay, a simple person with flaws and disabilities. So please, for the love of God, back off. Like everyone else, I do get tired and sometimes I just don't want to care. Eventually, we're all going to die and not everyone get it all together, all the time.

Okay, thanks, bye.

Came to your life, messed up your boring routine. Gave you the adventure of your life. Got you hooked on the mysterious persona. Not to forget the glitch every now and then. After all the imperfections that made you feel alive, you were left stuck in the rear view mirror.

Can you tell me what's wrong with this tale? Screw it, break the glass!

I wish I could take you back to the days where everything was so easy. Nothing hurt, just living a dream. Couldn't be bothered with everything else, just us singing our laughs in harmony.

Wish I could rewind the cherryblossoms on the street, the rays of sunlight on your skin, the sneaky glances we secretly shared.

It was glorious. Felt like eternity but seemed short everytime we looked back.

If I could, I really would.

I just want this to be done and over with. Time is indeed running out.

I can't tell you why, but for sure, I am dissappearing slowly over the time. There's nothing that we can do. Like sands in hand, the tighter your grasp, the more sands will slip out.

Nothing can fix this. Nothing again.

For you've touched our lives so deep, shared our pains and laughs,
you're imprinted in our memories, and will never be forgotten.

Sorry i never told you
but not even words will be able to let you know how much it all meant to us.

Most of us took the time we had for granted. Who would have known that was the last hug, the last laugh, the last advice you ever told me, the last meet. Did u know it back then?

I didn't want to tell anyone whenever you came across my mind. Not even going to say, that I still look for your presence at every place where we've come to gather. Had to pretend that it wasn't painful everytime we talked about you.

It took me this long... and I still don't want to say good bye

Whenever we got stuck in a dark place, shine down a little light from where you are. When it gets too bright, cover us with the fluffy clouds. And when we start to break down and cry, smile and draw us the rainbow...

We really miss you

You say "I love you boy"
But I know you lie.
I trust you all the same
And I don't know why.

'Cause when my back is turned
My bruises shine.
Our broken fairytale
So hard to hide.

Sitting in a wishing hole,
Hoping it stays right.
Feet cast in solid stone,
I got Gilligan's eyes.

'Cause you said hello,
It's where the going get's hard,
Our future is far,
Many of horror

I still believe,
It's you and me
till the end of time.

When we collide we come together,
If we don't we'll always be apart.
I'll take a bruise i know you're worth it.
When you hit me, hit me hard.

Truth is, we hide because we want to be found, we walk away to see who follows. We cry to see who wipes away the tears, and we let our hearts be broken... to see who comes, and fixes them...

Remember when I mentioned about my Doctor that one time? About how he "fixed" me? Well, he " sort of " did in a way. But as time passed by, I come to realised that all he did was made me feel better. And now I understand how that mystery works. Anyone could have been that doctor, but ofcourse I didn't mean anyone can get the professional qualification but anyone could be my doctor at that time.

All it takes is for me to feel some sort of physical pain, and then someone takes it away from me, gently, nicely, with loving and thorough care.

To not feel the heartache inside, I needed to feel a suffering that is either visible or touchable. And to feel better about it, is when that visible wound/scar/injury/etc is healed. Then everything will be okay for as long as my mind is set that way, until something happened that could remind me of that bitterness inside. Then, i'll be needing another form of physical discomfort just so I can focus on that instead. Vicious cycle this is, I tell you.

But, what's the point of this whole idiotic idea? Well, I think I'm going to make myself an appointment to "feel better" again. Also, I think people like me, especially me, tend to mistaken this kindness effect of someone taking away the pain, for.. I don't know.. other kind of perception, like infatuation or something-almost-the-L-word, when the fact, it is only the feeling of between indebted and grateful.

So, thank you kind Doctor whom had poked me with needles so many times, cut me open, 'fixed' my faulty, and sewed me together again. Thank you for being so kind.

Your most behaved almost-robot-but-still-human patient,

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
Never let it fade away
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
Save it for a rainy day


For love may come and tap you on the shoulder
Some star-less night
Just in case you feel you wanna hold her
You'll have a pocketful of starlight


For when your troubles startin' multiplying
And they just might
It's easy to forget them without trying
With just a pocketful of starlight


Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
Never let it fade away
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
Save it for a rainy day

I need to restrain myself from saying it, from doing it, from thinking about it. It's going to take toll on me much more. But that's better than hurting anyone else, right?

I am not mad at you, but shouldn't have said anything. Thanks for being honest though certain truth does hurt.

As long as I don't want to change, then He won't help me change. (13:11) So please dear god, help me find the strengh to change. Help me to find the will to go on.

Gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha!
गते गते पारगते पारसंगते बोधि स्वाहा

Yes? No? I don't know. Feels like things are going so fast that I can't even hold them down. Wonder what's the big guy had planned for me. I tried to think thoroughly again but it just seemed so exhausting. With what's been going on, I feel so restless.

Give me signs, fill my heart with confidence. Do I go left, or right?