Everything has to change, starting with me. Just you wait, with patience.

I am taking in all the feelings, swallowing all the craziness conferred on me. Oh I am enjoying the snowflakes on my eyelids.

“But I wonder, if there’s no breaking, then there’s no healing. And if there’s no healing, then there’s no learning. And if there’s no learning, then there’s no struggle. But the struggle is part of life. So must all hearts be broken?” - Lucas Scott

The closest one has became the most distant. Why oh why, I have no clue. If this is for the best, if you weren't meant to be, if this was suppose to make us happy, then why am I not? Are you?

.....
I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
Everything must have it seasons
Round and round it goes
And every day's a one before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything that just feels better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything that just feel better

And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything that just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better
.....

I hate you. I hate it everytime you do this to me.

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner

And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls

Hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. Infact, before you can hate someone, you need to love that person first. And you can only feel hurt when love and hate is in place.

Love, Hate... what difference does it make? If I were to say I love you, I might as well say I hate you. And if you hear me say I love you, don't get excited. I might mean the other one.

They're just feelings, why label it?

I wish I can draw/sketch, whatever you call it. I mean I can draw, but I wish I can draw better. To be able to draw with my visual mind and not the logical mind.

You see, words kept accumulating in my head and I just can't form not a single sentence out of them. And it hurts not being able to express things properly. It used to be so much easier to channel the frustration, anger, happiness in a plain white canvas in forms of words. Ready to tell the world what exactly I'm feeling. It doesn't matter if no one read it but at least it's out there. It's been expressed and let out from this tangled thoughts.

I guess I should take some time to learn to switch from words to drawing on the white canvas.

Lately it feels like I'm becoming this person, someone that I don't really like. A person who is quiet, pessimistic, irritated. I loathe this person. All that this person does is bring me down. It's like this person is living in a world full of hurt, and no hope at all. Screw you sad, angry bitch. Leave me alone.

There, let's move on now.

Jealousy. Wont be quite ourself if it's not there. That's what makes me, me and you, you.

"Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is."
-Yoda

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
When nobody died...

I think I'll let my doctor cut me open anytime. I won't mind all the knives, needles and the stiching part again. And even if he gives me venom, I would be happy to swallow it. I'll be his best patient ever. 'Cause he's just really nice and makes everything okay. Oh, he took all the pain away =)

I like the part when the girl is speechless, nervous and starting to feel embarrased, then the guy would say "Get over here" and then hugs her.

I have this great feeling towards my doctor. Is it safe to say he 'fixed' me? This is so fairy-tale. No no, I'm not saying the L word.

It's like my world is divided into two different life. In one, I'm breaking apart. And in the other, I'm living it up. Now, which of the two is real or dream?

Even though I don't know where I'm heading, I'm feeling contented and happy.

I honestly don't know where my life will takes me. I think it's okay to admit that I'm a bit lost now.

Two things happened recently. One, made me really sad that I cried about it. And the other one, somehow strange but made me feel really appreciated. It's just overwhelming.

The more that I try to recall your face, the harder for me to remember how you look like.

Today I went to the pet store and stroked a little kitty's head and hands. I can tell it's as lonely as I am. Its meows really break my heart. I could tell that it want to be let out from that cage, to be taken away to a home and be loved. I want that too.

".. the dogs were barking at the new moon, whistling a new tune, hoping it will come soon, so that they could die.."

Remember when you let out whatever on your mind or in your heart, and they get listened to? Well, it's not like that anymore.

..so let's say that "theoretically," i really like you, and "theoretically," even though it sounds moronically cliché and overused, you give me butterflies. and, just for kicks , let's add that-all in theory of course- you may be one of the most wonderful people i have ever met. and HYPOTHETICALLY, my heart beats ten times faster when i see you. do you think that you would suppossedly ( and in the most theoretical sense ) feel the same way?..

Found it on the net, I thought it sounds cute.

Everybody needs inspiration
Everybody needs a song
A beautiful melody
When the night's are long
Cause there is no guarantee
That this life is easy

Yeah, when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I, I look at you
When the waves are flooding the shore and I
Can't find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you

When I look at you
I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong and I know
I'm not alone

You appear just like a dream to me
Just like kaleidoscope colors that
Cover me
All I need
Every breath, that I breathe
Don't you know?
You're beautiful

What exactly are we looking for in this life? I believe it's temporary. It is just a test that will determine where we will be in the hereafter.

However, what keeps us going? What motivates us? If I could just stay still into this moment, imagining the faces of my love ones, if I could just replay those memories. I wish I didn't take anything for granted. I wish I could redo it all over again.

Should I run? Should I float away? Or just lie down and embrace everything?

People do sometimes grow together, and sometimes they grow apart. But you can never go backwards.

Egypt is nothing without the Nile. There won't be any civilization but desert. I believe that the Nile and Egypt are destined to be together.

This has been off my mind for a while now. However, it managed to come back and stir my curiosity. I wonder if my existence is being taken for granted?

When ever you look for me, I am always there. Does it ever occur to you what happens if I am not around? Would you seek for me? Will you miss me? Would it hurt you?

If I could look across the country
From California to New Jersey
Then I would count the parks and lake resorts
And number all the jets and airports
All those rather dreary rain clouds still bother me
Cause I look through the camera eyepiece and cannot see

If I could open up my window
And see from Tampa Bay to Juneau
Then I would survey all those open miles
And line them up in single file
Everywhere I look I see green scenic sublime
And all those oceanic vistas are so divine

If I was standing on the balcony
And you were walking down below
I'd feel rather depressed and out of place
And lonely just to watch you go
If you were swinging from the highway overpass
Within the western hemisphere
I'd feel rather afraid and insincere
If you began to disappear

If I was walking through a sad art gallery
And you were driving through the night
I'd feel rather alone and ill at ease
Beneath the brilliant showroom light
If I was flying on a plane above your town
And you were gazing at the sky
Somehow I'd feel intact and reassured
If you began to wave goodbye

I don't like keeping things inside when I am mad or sad about something. For me, it helps if I can let it out positively. Get it out of my system, followed by forgiving whatever it was and forgive myself, then forget about it. Next thing I know, I am already starting fresh.

Though, it does bother me when I don't know how to let it out or who to let it out to precisely. With my trust issues, I only have very few people that I can talk to about everything randomly when ever I need to. And unfortunately, they have life too. With the difference in time, activities and schedules to follow, it seemed that we only have short precious time that clashes which seemed to be too important to waste on whining about stupid dilemmas.

It's fine. All is good. And with just hearing you breath, everything is green again. The mist and the sea is clear again. I don't know how can I stress how important that sound of air exhaled from your mouth is. It has picked the needles out of my nerves. How do I thank you enough?

I am thankful with where I am now, figuratively. It's much serene. No dramas, no heartaches, no dilemmas. Everything seemed to fall into places now. It is like an organized closet.

And what I like the most is, an organized walk-in closet. That is "the" dream. Metaphorically of course.

Insecure men are so not sexy. So don't try to impress me with your whining. And your pushy behavior, that's a real turn-off dude.

"Just smoke my cigarette and hush" - Lady Gaga

Why do I have have troubles loving myself? And as if that is not enough, I have problems with people loving me too. I always feel that I am unworthy of their attentions and feelings for me. When someone special gets too close to me, I am starting to see flaws in myself, and the huge difference between me and that person.

Am I making this hard for me? As well as making it hard for that someone to actually care for me? I don't know but I couldn't help it. I just don't feel that I'm worth it.