This has been off my mind for a while now. However, it managed to come back and stir my curiosity. I wonder if my existence is being taken for granted?

When ever you look for me, I am always there. Does it ever occur to you what happens if I am not around? Would you seek for me? Will you miss me? Would it hurt you?

If I could look across the country
From California to New Jersey
Then I would count the parks and lake resorts
And number all the jets and airports
All those rather dreary rain clouds still bother me
Cause I look through the camera eyepiece and cannot see

If I could open up my window
And see from Tampa Bay to Juneau
Then I would survey all those open miles
And line them up in single file
Everywhere I look I see green scenic sublime
And all those oceanic vistas are so divine

If I was standing on the balcony
And you were walking down below
I'd feel rather depressed and out of place
And lonely just to watch you go
If you were swinging from the highway overpass
Within the western hemisphere
I'd feel rather afraid and insincere
If you began to disappear

If I was walking through a sad art gallery
And you were driving through the night
I'd feel rather alone and ill at ease
Beneath the brilliant showroom light
If I was flying on a plane above your town
And you were gazing at the sky
Somehow I'd feel intact and reassured
If you began to wave goodbye

I don't like keeping things inside when I am mad or sad about something. For me, it helps if I can let it out positively. Get it out of my system, followed by forgiving whatever it was and forgive myself, then forget about it. Next thing I know, I am already starting fresh.

Though, it does bother me when I don't know how to let it out or who to let it out to precisely. With my trust issues, I only have very few people that I can talk to about everything randomly when ever I need to. And unfortunately, they have life too. With the difference in time, activities and schedules to follow, it seemed that we only have short precious time that clashes which seemed to be too important to waste on whining about stupid dilemmas.

It's fine. All is good. And with just hearing you breath, everything is green again. The mist and the sea is clear again. I don't know how can I stress how important that sound of air exhaled from your mouth is. It has picked the needles out of my nerves. How do I thank you enough?

I am thankful with where I am now, figuratively. It's much serene. No dramas, no heartaches, no dilemmas. Everything seemed to fall into places now. It is like an organized closet.

And what I like the most is, an organized walk-in closet. That is "the" dream. Metaphorically of course.

Insecure men are so not sexy. So don't try to impress me with your whining. And your pushy behavior, that's a real turn-off dude.

"Just smoke my cigarette and hush" - Lady Gaga

Why do I have have troubles loving myself? And as if that is not enough, I have problems with people loving me too. I always feel that I am unworthy of their attentions and feelings for me. When someone special gets too close to me, I am starting to see flaws in myself, and the huge difference between me and that person.

Am I making this hard for me? As well as making it hard for that someone to actually care for me? I don't know but I couldn't help it. I just don't feel that I'm worth it.