May 2009 be the final closure for all the dramas and unsettled emotions. Let it be the final goodbye to all tears before I embrace what seemed to be for the rest of my life. A milestone which will mark those pains and joyful feelings to stay behind.

Forgive, forget and start over.

...to be loved, not to be understood...

If so, then why do I feel so suffocated with all the curiosity and pressure chasing me? Why do my surroundings kept pulling me apart when I have no skins, no flesh left to be stripped off me?

I find it strongly irritating when people want to be close to me, trying to suck out the reasons why I am me. I seriously don't like it at all. You don't just expect people to open up upon your request. It involves trust and security. I have enough people in my life whom I can share every nerve and heartbeat with, so I don't need anyone else to breath down my neck and forcing me to spill my guts out.

I love my privacy, I love my secrecy, I love my mystery. And as far as I concern, if you still can't read through me, then you have no rights to judge me nor act like u know me. In other words, we are strangers. Just back off and clear out. I like my oxygen stress-free, thank you.

I am like an empty box. People expect to find faith in me. Or like that one stalk of withered sunflower, carried from the field across those blooming others, right into an expensive exquisite vase. But there just seem no hope. I don't have anything to offer.

It's funny how people are trying to find me. I am just here.
What's even more funnier is, while those people trying to find me, I am trying to chase other people, and they don't even bother to see me.

Does someone has to be so important to one's life when that one person is not even close to half important to that someone? Heck, that one person is probably nothing at all to that someone. Shame.

Yes I know that it has been a while, but trust me, there's nothing creative tonight. It is just me and my thoughts feelings. And it is kind of blurry and grey.

It's cold outside, but it's colder inside me. My feet are freezing but they're dragging me away, I want an escape, I want an exit.

My heart is kind of numb, I want it in your hands but I don't like my chest empty. It drives me crazy and it makes me angry. I just want the end that meets a new beginning to find me.

I seriously can't understand how can or why do anyone (other than my family who "had" to) loves me at all?

I don't get it at all. I'm fussy, sensitive, mean, too honest with my words even when sometimes it's hurtful, and I'm very stubborn. So I was told.

I don't feel I deserve the love I'm getting. I don't feel I'm worth it at all. And most importantly, I kept on hurting those around me. It is just not fair. I don't understand at all. It's like the more I hurt them, the more they come back to me.

Why are you doing this??? I don't want to hurt you.

I wonder how do you sleep at night? Infact, how do you sleep at all? With this silence cold war around us, how can you be so ignorant?

My tears have run dry and now I'm beaten with pains under my skins. But you are just bad down to your core.

Aren't you afraid that we would die when we shut our eyes, but we didn't get the chance to say sorry nor goodbyes?

I was your friend, but I am not your slave. So what are you waiting for?

My movements are like those expressed ideas and emotions in the art of sound we called music. My beat are gentle but solid. And my tempo are my soothing cries and the rhythm you dance to are my laughter and pains.

I'm the infamous ballad that lock your gaze and weeping on your soul, the one that pierce your heart and put smile on your beautiful face.

Different is good. Changes is too. And I like good different changes.

I'll pull out one of my rib bones and make it as a dagger to cut and rip you open. I want to penetrate you with my own part. To make you feel the pain and at the same time to feel me too. I thirst for your blood to keep my bones warm. Literally love, literally.

I was just wondering, how long can a person go pretending everything is all right? How long can he/she be in-denial? How long can a person lie to his/herself?

To be honest, I don't think I can. Not even for one day. But I never realised that I have been pretending all my life.

I have pretended that I know myself, pretended that I was bad, then pretended that I was good. I put ideas in my head of how things are suppose to be or how it should have been.

I have always pretended that things are not bad, that it is always good. Or that it would get better instantly. I planted and nurtured the seed of goodness in me, or so I thought I did. I refused to see the ugly side of anything. It's all about colours and sparkles, or grass and nice scented flowers.

I have lived in the world that I painted in my eyes.

But now slowly everything is fading out. I can smell disappointments, I can feel fear, I can taste pain. None of which I like to go through or wish to experience. But at the same time, I am slowly loving it. Discovering the beauty of reality.

Go on, tear my pretty dresses, and put scars on me. For I only have one chance in this world, let's make it worth it.

I am very good at keeping things to myself even though I prefer talking about it. But every time I do, it's taking toll on my body, and if I don't, somebody else is getting hurt.

It's a choice of giving up or moving on.

It's like...

plaster on my heart,
heater in winter,
presents under Christmas tree,
a rhythm to a dance,
and a smile on a perfect picture.

Mary had a little lamb, but God gave me a Rockstar as a best friend...

..a pair of hands with minds of their own, warm eyes to see the beauty of people's souls as well as in silence, light feet to take me to adventures and cool hair for me to flip when I feel annoyed.

Do you know what it is?

It feels like I am so far away and alone. It feels like the space between the star and I. Timeless, dark, silence, cold. I would say it probably feels like being sucked in a black hole, but honestly and logically, I don't know what it feels like.

Do you understand what I'm talking about?

I hate the fact that things are getting dull. I feel so contented like I can't even let it out properly, afraid that I might expose too much or get carried away.

I personally think that things should be simple, and straightforward. But of course, a little twist is necessary to make it attractive.

Hello November, I love it when you rain.

Cold November rain. Just like me.

I am blessed, I am loved, I am happy, I am sad, I am peace, I am restless, I am today.

An excerpt from one of the memorable pages in my diary.

...sympathy invites tears and it's just going to make the Supergirl weaker.
Oh, it is not all right but I'm fine. Even though fine is not really a feeling but it's okay. (=
- April 14, 2009

Carrying photos in my daily planner. I used to. But I guess they just got old and fell apart. Kind of like friendships.

People drifted and changes seemed to adjust and blend in. I need to catch up with time 'cause things flow really fast and I still linger to old memories.

I will let go, slowly.
And on your birthday, I bid you farewell. Goodbye my dear friend.

When you say 'let fate decide it', who do you think controls fate?

I never want to be anyone's burden especially yours. Just leave and take the path which will lead you to happiness.

There is no use to stay for someone when all it gives u in return are sufferings and pains, and guilt. Just go on and don't look back.

I promise I will be fine.

I am very certain that love is in the air. I feel it inside me, and around me. It is just overwhelming.
It has been a really good day, I feel that I am falling but floating at the same time.

Wonderful feeling.

October is really not a lucky month for me. It's only the 9th but I've lost so much already. Where is everybody? Everyone's avoiding me or simply doesn't want to be involve with me.

I am not being dramatic, but I seriously has no one to talk to.
It's been a really depressing week. Someone even claimed that I perhaps has become a monster. What did I do wrong? Why is god punishing me this way? Is He? Or perhaps I am punishing myself? What is wrong with me?

I am beginning to wonder whether your intentions are pure. I like being who I am, and it's not a reason for you to dig benefits out of my naive-ness.

I like you, a lot. But maybe you shouldn't try to drag me into those mud even when you think I would enjoy it 'cause I still want to be as pure as I can.

When did we stop becoming best-friends? I was you, and you were me. And now, we fight easily even for silly things like movie outings. Pfft!

Since I can't fly, I want an open and endless view when I lie down

Changes.
Lots of them. I don't know if I should be happy about it but I am calm.. lonely in a way but yes, I am calm.

Don't get the wrong impression, I personally think loneliness is beautiful.

I have made some pretty drastic and huge decisions. Very BOLD I must say. It was the right thing to do anyway. I just need time to adapt to it.

Do I still feel hurt?

Even if the heart is freeze and sealed in an ice cube, the flame inside will only turn from red to blue. It's still there. Until' only God knows when.

Burn by the flame that I lit myself. 

I feel so violated emotionally. And it's not a good feeling to start with.

It was raining non-stop since morning. Showered my dried soul and now the heart has bloom, and smiles reappeared. My heartbeats were louder than the thunder.

If only my body didn't feel as heavy it is now, I swear I could have floated in the air.

I know I can go through this. And I will.

Promise me, the smiles won't fade as if we never part.

We will be together again before you know it. Soon.

Right this moment, this very minute, I feel something. Something great, something extra ordinary. Something that not a single word can describe.

I'm touched.

I don't want to go. Will things be the same? 

I am not scared of getting hurt, but I am more scared that I'm hurting you. Make me stop if you feel the pain. 

You know it ain't easy 

For these thoughts here to leave me

There's no words to describe it

In French or in English

Well, diamonds they fade

And flowers they bloom

And I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away

They've been knockin' me sideways

They've been knockin' me out lately

Whenever you come around me

These feelings won't go away 

They've been knockin' me sideways

I keep thinking in a moment that

Time will take them away

But these feelings won't go away

Inhale.. Exhale..! Trying to catch my breath, 'cause I'm stunned with this flawless moment.

The world moves around us. We walk through the storm, through the rain, through the sunny days together hand-in-hand. So safe, nothing that I'm afraid to face with you by my side.

Now I can feel this heart is fluttering after a long, long, long rest

If you can't make me the Supergirl cape, would you kindly carve a set of pretty wings on my back? Pretty please?

It's funny and at the same time upsetting that this familiar feeling is starting to change into something strange.

The closure that I've been waiting for has finally become clearer. We both found out that the end that we seek is too far to reach. 

As long as these feet can still take me, I'll continue as far as I can.

You can keep my heart, but please fill in this hole in my chest. You can keep my body but please free my soul. Let me fly and be happy.

Why do I feel so hurt?

I was on the way to work, and stopped at a crossway traffic lights. I stood there closing my eyes as those cars past me by. The cold wind blows and moved me a step back. What a beautiful spring it is.

I told myself in discreet, "it would be the perfect moment if only someone's here to share it with", and when I turn right, I know that I miss your presence around me.

Today's Horoscope:

You have more than one opportunity to rebuild a trust that may have been threatened over a secret that was revealed recently. Open up, be honest, and take your lumps if you have to, and you will find that forgiveness stretches a long, long way.

Being honest is soothing and satisfying, but scary at the same time. And to forgive invites the risk of getting hurt again. My feet feel so heavy to take the next step.

I feel so sad. My heart began to worry for so many things now. And I don't know how long can I keep up to put on this shield on my emotions. I can feel they're slowly leaking out little by little at my own time. When the night is at it's darkest and the still is at it's best silence.

Is there anyone out there that will put my miseries to sleep in peace?

I'm like a wounded heart that needs a set of strong ribs to protect me. It's a shame no one wants to claim me.

My silence doesn't mean I wasn't screaming my pain inside. My laugh doesn't mean that my tears have dried. And just because the scar is covered, doesn't mean the wound have healed. 

Time doesn't fix a broken heart, Love does. And what I want the most is, to be healed.

I'm not loving you

the way I wanted to

What I had to do

had to run from you

I'm in love with you

But the vibe is wrong

And that haunted me

all the way home

So you never know

Never, never know

Never know enough

'Til it's over love

'Til we lose control

System overload

Screamin No No No No No

I'm not loving you

Way I wanted to

See I want to move

But can't escape from you

So I keep it low

Keep a secret code

So everybody else don't have to know

So keep your love lockdown

You lose

I'm not loving you

Way I wanted to

I can't keep my cool

So I keep it true

I got something to lose

So I gotta move

I can't keep myself

And still keep you too

So I keep in mind

When I'm on my own

Somewhere far from home

In the danger zone

How many times did I tell you

'fore it finally got through

You lose, you lose

I'm not loving you

Way I wanted to

See I had to go

See I had to move

No more wastin' time

You can't wait for life

We're just racin' time

Where's the finish line?

I'm not loving you

Way I wanted to

I've bet no one knew

I got no one new

No I said I'm through

But got love for you

But I'm not loving you

Way I wanted to

Gotta keep it going

Keep the loving going

Keep it on a role

Only God knows

If I'll be with you

Baby I'm confused

You choose, you choose

I'm not loving you

Way I wanted to

Where I want to go

I don't need you

I've been down this road

Too many times before

I'm not loving you

Way I wanted to

You lose.

It is hard to compromise with someone when you both wants to be right at the same time. It takes courage to admit that you're sorry, and it even take greater courage to actually give in and please.

Finding the perfect person is impossible, but together you can always create a perfect relationship. Brush off your worries and doubts. The world is our playground. I just want to swing with you, to stroll along the beach with you, to catch the butterflies in the fields with you, to swim in the sea with you.

And only you.

Love. Something that I can't give exact definition to. All that it does to me is give me that feeling. Hard to describe it but it feels like lying on the grass gazing up the skies. It feels like dancing in the rain. It sounded like the birds singing on the withered cold tree outside of your bedroom window on one fine day in winter.

It doesn't stop there. Love sometimes feels like cuts on your fingers. Or the pain in your stomach when you saw someone was killed brutally. It makes you sick up to your throat. 

Love. Is it actually real? Or is it just another comfort zone for us? Or perhaps, it's just another clear cold pond. It may keep you moistened but it can also numb you.

I doubt that you feel this too. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it is only me. The one with the broken heart and broken shield. Not even able to protect myself.

As this warm feelings inside me getting stronger, my faith for this connection is slowly dying. They contradicts with each other.

And I don't think I'm strong enough to witness how far this can go or how long will this take. But I don't think I can stop either.

I don't know what I'm doing or what's the reason for this. But it doesn't matter to me. 'Cause I'm just looking outside of my window and try to see beyond the visible view.

I am not going anywhere obviously. But that doesn't mean I'm not heading somewhere. I've told you that you can always get a hold of me. But now you  can't reach me not because I'm not infront of you, but simply because you didn't look harder. So you missed me.

What is it that you want from me? My time? My companionship? Or just another name in your list?

I needed you. But....... 

It seemed like all the jouney I made are only taken either as a path to my final destination or as breaks of routes before I get back on to life. Those tiny life experiences are meaningless without someone to share and cherish with.

I wish you can see the world the way I see it. And be on my side as I travel through my destiny.

I never thought I would feel this lonely around them. I didn't know what outshined me but I now realised that they couldn't be bothered. 

I existed in their lives but it doesn't matter anymore whether I'm still around or if I dissappear.

Alone. A term that I'm adapting to settle with.

Nope. I don't have anything to mention except that there are so many incomplete sentences in my head trying to figure out what they're suppose to be. Sometimes too creative can really drained your brain.

Do you know that feeling when you actually can forecast or see what is happening, but you still won't accept it? Just circle around with your emotions and be in-denial all you want. When the truth is, it's all shattered and no glue in this world can put them back together other than your very own 'pretending-it's-okay' tape. 

Yeah, everything is allright.

I became somebody through loving you. But when you become someone that's breaking me, all that this world can see is, nothing. Nothing? It doesn't exist? What the sweet drug are you talking about? I don't know anything.

All the good names (that you commonly use to call someone you love) had lost their meanings in my dictionary.

All thanks to those who's responsible for it. I hate you. 

I shouldn't allow this to happen to me. But it did, and beyond my control and awareness. Stupid. How could I be so darn stupid. And blinded!

From time to time, I'm just going to be mad, angry, sad, frustrated, broken, crushed, and back to mad, angry, sad, frustrated, broken and crushed again.

And from time to time, I will build up my courage to just move on and forget about it. But the wound is still bleeding. It is pathetic - that I don't need to be reminded of. When will this finally be over? When will this actually be water under the so called darn bridge?

I won't be apologising for the angry statement. And I honestly don't care if you think it's impolite or rude for me to be acting this way.

For all that I know, you ruined me, you broke me, you damaged me. And I really hate you for that. But I loved you. And this is really hurting me. Especially the part where you just sit there and said nothing apart from you know how it darn bloody feels like. No you don't! Not even close.

I want to swear and I want to break things. I want to scream and bleed it out.

FIX ME!! FIX ME!! FIX ME!! FIX ME!! FIX ME!! FIX ME!! FIX ME!!!

** Can't believe it took me this long to let this out of my chest. I am so ruined. Thanks.

Someone told me not to read too much into something. 'Cause I might get

hurt. And it might be something not relevant to me, it could be something

that is totally.... something that I shouldn't be reading.

But all the pieces seem to relate to one another. What am I suppose to do? Leave it? I couldn't. 'Cause I'm curious. Not to forget that I'm addicted to it.

Somebody could be anybody. But nobody could be that someone.

Things that we don't say...

They're just building up inside you 'til you can't content them anymore. And when you decided to move on and forget about it, they will always follow your steps like a shadow in the dark. 

I want to be angry so bad. But I don't have enough reason to.

Funny how love bring you down to you knees... Has it ever occur to you that you need a pair of strong wills to keep you standing side by side with the person you claimed you love. Or loved.

I made that up. But it's true if you believe in it.

You asked God if this is fair? You questioned her decision for leaving it hangin'. Look around babe, you weren't being fair to yourself in the first place. Not even to her.

First thing that I thought of when I opened my eyes this morning was, where am I? 

I wish I'm home. But I'm stucked. I have a purpose to complete. And until then, I'm chained to this part of the world - to a life with a dull routine. I'll survive but I'm already transforming to someone else.

I hate writing for the first post on a new blog. Especially introduction part. I'll skip that.